my whole heart- week 1

What pushes me is rooted somewhere between knowing and searching. Knowing where I stand in my faith and knowing my Creator, Abba Father whom I serve and long to see. But I’m searching. Something within me begs to question if there is more. I don’t think I fully understood what I was doing until I found myself sitting at my kitchen counter the night before my plane flew out. In front of me there was a pile of “Merry Christmas” cards I just finished and behind me, 2 suitcases full of everything I thought necessary to survive for 8 months. I felt a weight of responsibility and guilt. Responsibility of making the right decision and fully embracing this opportunity and then guilt I was putting myself and family through the heartache of an extended goodbye. My heart began to sink in doubt.

I felt a pit in my stomach all night following that morning. I came down stairs to the smell of my mom’s warm home baked breakfast and Dad’s Colombian coffee flooding the air. For the last time. I took a deep breath before entering the kitchen.

My mind flashes to the 10 hour flight from DC to Vienna. As I attempt stuffing my carry on bag in the overhead, I glance down at all the vacant stares of tired strangers. Most of them with accents and others speaking a language I didn't know. I was uncomfortable but okay with it. I felt hopeful and purposeful. Though my heart ached for anyone familiar, I knew without a doubt I was brought to this place by the will of my King for great purposes.

These words meditated on my heart over the second night, “You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all your heart.” I am unable to change my own heart. I am unable to experience His goodness apart from His spirit. I am unable to break my comfort zones. I am unable to be the woman God calls me to be apart from seeking Him. I want to CHOOSE to live apart from myself. I am far from being comfortable and far from reaching the expectations people have set for me and this year. Though I’m not where I should be, I believe something powerful happens when we dethrone comfort and contentment in our lives. Freedom, intimacy, and celebration are gifts received when the true King takes His rightful place. But His greatest gift of all is a heart to know Him. “I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the LORD, They will be my people, and I will be their God for they will return to me with all their heart.” Every day is an invitation to celebrate Him and return to Him with all our heart. Surrendering our worries and expectations.

My vision these next months is not that I will get involved in a ton of ministries, not that I will be just a blessing to the Flemings, not that I will find comfort, or that God will heal the ache in my heart for home but that God will give me a heart to know Him. Because I know nothing can be accomplished through me without the walls I’ve built up in my heart to be broken.

I’m not going to lie, I'm terrified for the vulnerability that lies ahead of me but I wouldn’t change a thing. Even in my doubt and unsteadiness, God remains faithful. Even in my lack of courage He continues to pursue me.

If God is faithful to plant the seed in leading me here to Cyprus then He will be faithful to always bring His rain. We are called to invest where we are planted. So whether I am 6,000 miles away chasing the Light or within the walls of my home, I will give up to the LORD my whole heart.